Family and friends group

"It was a great relief to be able to connect with other people who are living with loved ones with BPD. It can be a frustrating, exhausting and isolating experience and it's such a weight off the shoulders to be able to share that with others going through the same things."
(J, husband, Nov 2020)

Below is a record of the monthly meetings of the group with supplementary materials used in the training component of the meeting. We hope you find these of use.

The Family & Friends Group has been operating continuously since 2015. Over that time it has developed a Manual to guide its operations, developing its own model to complement existing supports and training programs. The technical term, 'carers' is used to describe family members and friends. It often sits uncomfortably with us though. To be considered the carer of an adult person seems incongruous and this suits the awkward space that we occupy within the mental health system. Our model of support is peer led, informed by ongoing monitoring and evaluation. It exists to support family members, encourage learning about BPD and all it encompasses, focuses on developing the techniques that work to improve relationships, especially with our loved one with BPD. In our Family and Friends Group people learn how to support their loved ones, not enable them.

While COVID-19 is affecting our daily lives, all public meetings of BPD Community are cancelled, including the Family & Friends Group. We intend to hold our meetings using Zoom during the COVID-19 days. At the same time on every third Tuesday at 6.30pm - but this time might change to suit people better. If you wish to attend, please rsvp to barb@bpdcommunity.com.au. Please feel free to call Barb on 0409 952 754 if you wish. 

January 19,2021 - boundaries 101

A boundary tells us where we stand; it reminds us of what is important to us. In the dynamic of close personal relationships, our boundaries may become vague in the give and take of the relationship. When we struggle with our boundaries, others struggle to know where they stand in relation to us. 

The year just passed has reminded us of the importance of relationships in our lives. It is timely to consider the role of boundaries in our lives. Many of us struggle with setting boundaries the video opposite sets out some simple rules that apply in all aspects of life. 

On Tuesday 19 January, we will go to the heart of why we set boundaries in our adult lives lives.

This meeting will be held via Zoom at 6.30pm on Tuesday 19 December
RSVP to Barb: barb@bpdcommunity.com.au or call Barb on 0409 952 754

"Since joining the group, our mother/daughter relationship has improved & my daughter is grateful I’m taking the time to learn about BPD.
The Family & Friends Group has been invaluable knowing there are other carers with similar experiences & we’re learning strategies together."
(V, mother of a young adult daughter, Nov 2020)

December 15, 2020 - What is BPD?

Christmas is a time for families to get together and celebrate. This year it is especially poignant since we have experienced the challenges of 'social isolation' and lockdown. For those living in Melbourne it has been particularly hard. One would think that a time for families to celebrate would be great to relax and enjoy each other's company. it is however for so many a time of great stress and anxiety. 

It is a good time to remind ourselves what exactly Borderline Personality Disorder is and to build some strategies to help us navigate our expectations of others and ourselves. 

This meeting will be held via Zoom at 6.30pm on Tuesday 15 December.
RSVP to Barb: barb@bpdcommunity.com.au or call Barb on 0409 952 754.

I … left (the) meeting feeling stronger emotionally with so much information and advice, from the conversations,
that I had with some of the people in the group. It’s a very nice group of people!” (L, mother of an adult daughter with BPD) 2017.

Nov 17, 2020 - Non violent Communication

We can play the 'making life wonderful' game or we can play the 'who's right game' according to Dr Marshall Rosenberg. In our next F&F Group we will learn more about how to make life wonderful. To make life wonderful we can relearn natural giving and receiving with grace as we explore the validation concept more deeply. When we play the 'who's right' game, we have winners and losers, the losers are punished and the winners get rewards: it is based on moralistic judgement. Being judgemental is violent thinking, it places barriers between us and creates us and them thinking.

Living with our COVID-19 pandemic has created a lot of fear and this makes it easier to be judgemental, it is timely to revisit non violent communication. 

This meeting will be held via Zoom at 6.30pm on Tuesday 20 October.
RSVP to Barb: barb@bpdcommunity.com.au or call Barb on 0409 952 754.

"The Family and Friends group was the first support group I attended.
I was very nervous about sharing, but soon felt relieved and comfortable being there.
I feel safe participating without any concerns about being judged." ('S', mother of a son in mid 20s with BPD) 2018.

Oct 20, 2020 - Validation and Emotions

This short informative cartoon helps improve our understanding of emotions. It introduces us the the primary emotions of shame, fear, sadness, anger, disgust, happiness, and surprise or curiosity and explores they underlie secondary emotions. It is emotions that often directly affect our behaviour especially when we we don't regulate them. We are recommended these skills to work on: 1) Learn to attend to emotions, 2) practice curiosity and patience with emotions, 3) talk about and show our 'real' emotions, 4) learn to accept having different emotions, and, 5) learn how to change emotions with emotions. 

Our next Family & Friends Group will be revisiting validation, what it means and how we do it. Why don't you join us?

This meeting will be held via Zoom at 6.30pm on Tuesday 20 October.
RSVP to Barb: barb@bpdcommunity.com.au or call Barb on 0409 952 754.

"Since joining the BPD Carers Group I am delighted to say that there has not been a single argument between my daughter and myself.
Thank you BPD Carers Group." (F, Father of an adult daughter) 2018.

sept 15, 2020 - Validation - a way to empathy

Empathy is making connection with other people. To practise empathy requires four components according to Brene Brown: 1) taking on board the perspective of the other person - even if it's not your truth; 2) being non judgemental; 3) recognising the emotion in another; and 4) communicating that recognition to the other person. In reality that's a lot easier said than done. It requires us to listen, without judgement. We need to accept the other person's perspective. And we need to validate the other's emotions. When we do this we can build a relationship. 

Our next Family & Friends Group will be revisiting validation, what it means and how we do it. Why don't you join us?

This meeting will be held via Zoom at 6.30pm on Tuesday 15 September.
RSVP to Barb: barb@bpdcommunity.com.au or call Barb on 0409 952 754.

"The Family & Friend's Group's knowledge, support and practical tools gave me the
help I desperately needed to better manage my son’s bpd symptoms." ('A', father of 30 yr old son with BPD) 2019.

august 18, 2020 - positive psychology, gratitude and mindfulness

If we understand how things work, we can make changes more easily. There are skills, techniques we can apply and create the change that we want to happen. The video opposite explains a bit about how Positive Psychology works, so we can improve our understanding.

In this session we build on our previous two sessions to harness mindfulness to ease our anxiety and grief. Always in our work we are reminded of the importance to attend to our own well being so we can be the best support we can be. 

This meeting will be held via Zoom at 6.30pm on Tuesday 18 August.
RSVP to Barb: barb@bpdcommunity.com.au or call Barb on 0409 952 754.

July 21, 2020 - Some tips on taking on control 

If we think and act thoughtlessly we are not being mindful. It is so easy to develop a pattern of negative and irrational thoughts, this is called cognitive distortion. There are five examples of cognitive distortion:

1. Emotional Reasoning - believing based on feelings
2. Disqualifying the Positive - ignoring the positive aspects of a situation and focussing on the negative
3. Mind Reading - making assumptions about others and behaviours
4. Catastrophying - focussing on worst possible explanation
5. All or Nothing Thinking - seeing things in extremes 

If we look at patterns of negative thinking in ourselves we can identify them, stop them in their tracks. We can divert them elsewhere, create a circuit breaker. Why bother, you might ask? It's because these cognitive distortions cause anxiety, they cause us pain. At our next F&F Group we will learn about Benign Interpretation as a circuit breaker, as a way to change our cognitive distortions.

This meeting will be held via Zoom at 6.30pm on Tuesday 21 July.
RSVP to Barb: barb@bpdcommunity.com.au or call Barb on 0409 952 754.

June 16, 2020 - if i can name it, i can feel it

Being emotionally mindful is not always easy, we know only too well. This training session there are a few key points that we can learn. We will learn to sit with our emotions and use them to our advantage and to support others too.

Being emotionally intelligent has three parts:
1. Emotional Awareness - being able to perceive emotions, ours and others, without judgement or without changing them.
2. Emotional Application - being able to use our emotions to benefit ourselves and others.
3. Emotional Management - being able to regulate our emotions.

Mindfulness helps us strengthen our emotional intelligence: 
1. It improves our ability to comprehend our own emotions.
2. It helps us learn how to recognize the emotions of other people around us.
3. It strengthens our ability to govern and control our emotions.

To start us on this aspect of our journey, we need to broaden our language skills to name the wide variety of emotions we can feel. The more we can accurately describe our emotions, the more we can be in touch with them.
For more info on emotional intelligence, click on the emotional wheel opposite.

This meeting will be held via Zoom at 6.30pm on Tuesday 16 June. RSVP to Barb: barb@bpdcommunity.com.au or call Barb on 0409 952 754.

May 12, 2020 - let's get radical

Zoom is fantastic! And our May F&F Group will be taking our understanding of acceptance to a whole new 'radical' level. Radical Acceptance involves your mind, body and spirit in complete acceptance of reality. It means differentiating facts from interpretation so we can see reality. 

This 7 minute video is best watched with a pen and paper in hand so you can take notes. It encompasses the key DBT elements of radical acceptance as described by Marsha Linehan. It includes towards the end some very handy hints on how to begin to practice radical acceptance.

Please join the group on Zoom. If you are worried about the technology, Barb or one of the others can help you get past the nervousness and into the group. You can do it through the phone or an IPad or a computer. Please contact us so we can send you the link to join: barb@bpdcommunity.com.au 

april 21, 2020 - acceptance in times of covid-19

Hasn't the anxiety amongst us all risen to such a high level that you can almost feel it in the air? The uncertainty of our personal situations, our community, our country and the world even, it is all wobbly. Many of us are feeling financial, physical and social stresses unlike before. Living in close proximity with others we love creates for many added burdens. Now more than ever, to ease our anxiety and to face the uncertainty ahead, we need 'acceptance'.

Acceptance in human psychology is a our assent to the reality of a situation, recognizing things without attempting to change or protest them. The concept we use is derived from the Buddhist principle of radical acceptance. It is about learning to accept what we cannot change. But Marsha Linehan explains it so much better. It is central to the therapy she developed Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT).

Our virtual F&F Group has a focus on support and learning the techniques that will help us get through these hard times. All those who love someone with BPD are welcome to join us. We will be meeting as usual at 6.30pm for our first virtual Family & Friend's Group. If you would like to join us, all you need is access to a smart phone, a laptop or a computer or an ipad...anything like that which has internet access. RSVP to barb@bpdcommunity.com.au and she'll send you the link to join.

March 17, 2020 - Meeting emotional needs

This meeting was cancelled due to COVID-19

We meet now in the SANE boardroom in Sth Melbourne.
In the March meeting we would have been discussing the importance of meeting our own emotional needs. The video clip opposite is based on Schema Therapy which is known to work as a treatment for people with BPD and we can learn from Schema these three healthy ways to meet our own emotional needs. What does this have to do with Boundaries you may ask...ah, well we often complicate boundary setting when we use it to meet our emotional needs, we confuse our values and our emotional needs. Understanding what our emotional needs are might be a challenge for those of us who did not have them met in our own childhood - after all we have spent a lifetime ignoring them. In our previous session on this topic, last March, we considered Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, see the link for that below.

February 18, 2020 - 10 Laws in setting limits

If you are unhappy in a relationship you can bet that you have a problem with 'boundaries'. Perhaps your boundaries are not respected by your loved one, perhaps you are not respecting their boundaries or perhaps you or your loved one does not have sound boundaries. To explore what this might mean for us, we need to understand what limit setting or boundaries are about - and the short answer is that our boundaries are our values in practice.  In the February group we will learn about the 10 Laws of Boundaries: Sowing and Reaping, Power, Respect, Motivation, Evaluation, Proactivity, Envy, Activity and Exposure. The link opposite helps explain what these mean.

 When we broaden our understanding of the concept of boundaries, it helps us understand ourselves and others better. When we understand, it is easier to change how we do things. 

January 21, 2020 - Boundaries for 2020

Hands up if you think you understand boundaries! I bet almost everyone puts their hands up but you know, there might be more to this boundaries idea than is commonly understood. Sometimes we complain because other people don't respect our boundaries - wait a second...don't the boundaries belong to us? So aren't they there for us to obey, not others? Boundaries are to respect our values, they are not rules of behaviour for others to obey. And herein lies our challenge. How do we stick by our boundaries and what difference does that make for us.

At our next family and friends group we will revisit what boundaries mean and why they work and how they help us. Come along, the more the merrier.

December 17, 2019 - Understanding BPD

There are different ways to define BPD depending on which theory you like. Whatever the definition, it is understanding BPD that counts and while all theories have valuable insights, understanding can be elusive. It can be that in facing reality our emotions might block our understanding. It is Fear, a sense of Obligation, and Guilt (FOG) that can inhibit how we see things, it blurs our vision and we must beware of the FOG.

With knowledge comes understanding, those who love someone with BPD learn to understand themselves better as they learn to understand what BPD means to the ones they love. At our December meeting we will learn more about what BPD is and learn more about how we can better support our loved ones. 

November 19, 2019 - Validation in greater depth

Schema Therapy is based on Cognitive Behaviour Therapy and is successful in treating BPD. A core element of Schema is to explore the Childhood Emotional Needs that we all have: 

• Secure attachments to others (including safety, stability, nurturance and acceptance)
• Autonomy (competence and a sense of identity)
• Freedom (to express valid needs and emotions)
• Spontaneity and play
• Realistic limits and self control

Recognising, understanding and identifying our own unmet emotional needs is the beginning of taking control of our emotions. The November session is dedicated to learning more about how we can do this and how it helps us recognise the emotions of others and helps us then validate the emotions of others.

October 15, 2019 - validation explored

Last month we revisited how to validate others. That involved improving our listening skills to build the relationship we have with others. Non violent communication is way of communicating what we want to others. This session is focussed on how we speak to others to communicate the things that are important to us. The nine minute video opposite is an introduction to this concept.

Non violent communication is expressing honestly and receiving empathetically, specifically:

• the concrete actions we observe that effect our well being
• how we feel in relation to what we observe
• the needs, values and desires that create our feelings
•  the concrete actions we request in order to enrich our lives

september 17, 2019 - validation

How to tell the difference between validation and invalidation can be a challenge. To recognise when we are being invalidating is even harder because we do live in an invalidating world. But when we feel validated we feel that someone might understand, we feel listened to. the video opposite explains it beautifully.

Validation is skill, a technique that is possible to learn. It requires conscious concentration until it becomes a default way to respond to others. It requires focussed practice and mindful listening in order to grasp the skill. When we are able to be more easily validating, we can see an improvement in our relationships with others. Validation makes a difference.

august 20, 2019 - Self acceptance

In the video opposite, Tara Brach hugs her evil twin! the video goes for less than 2 mins, check it out.

Radical Acceptance is a core element of Dialectical Behaviour Therapy. After Marsha Linehan went to Japan to study Zen Buddhism, she introduced the concept into her work, she recognised that for people affected by BPD that this concept was critical to being able to accept change in our lives. Like all our concepts, it seems simplistic on the surface while actually this concept and the others we work with are deceivingly complex. This doesn't mean that its too hard to understand, it means that it takes time to understand. It is through the dialectic interaction between our thoughts and our actions that we reflect upon and gain the understanding that we need to better support our loved ones. 

july 16, 2019 - radical acceptance

The group met as usual and welcomed some newbies too, others were on holidays or couldn't make it, so we weren't crowded.

One strength within the group is that we all understand and this creates a powerful sense of support. This is aided by our learning activities, for July it was Acceptance 101 where we considered the difference between acceptance and radical acceptance.  Most importantly we considered why this concept could be of help, and learnt techniques to help us achieve radical acceptance. As with all the concepts and techniques we deal with, it is not easy, but the reward of helping us to better support our loved ones, is great.

We prepared a handout for those who could not join us: click here

June 18, 2019 - Mindfulness and positive psychology

The June session explored the explanation of Positive Psychology in how we perceive our world and the effects this has upon us. We learnt the importance of controlling our thoughts with positives and how to change our negative default ways of thinking.

There is a 5 minute YouTube clip that is a brief explanation of what Positive Psychology is (click on the flyer opposite). 

It is good to be able to learn simple techniques to help us better control ourselves and help us feel empowered.

May 21, 2019 - MIndfulness and gratitude

It was a small group that experienced one of our most powerful sessions. We revised what we have been learning up to date and followed this with a brief explanation of the benefits of cultivating a sense of gratitude. Gratitude is one of the core values of our Family & Friend's Group, so it was good to explore why it is so important to our group.

We completed the session with a short meditation on gratitude and it was this experience that was so very powerful. In spite of the pain that we can feel as family members of someone with BPD, we can feel gratitude and experience the support of others just like us. This is energising and helps us work on the techniques we need to build better relationships with those we love.  

April 16, 2019 - MIndfulness - Feeling emotions mindfully

Familiar faces were willing participants in a simple mindfulness exercise. Ania explained to us the importance of being able to work with identifying our emotions mindfully. Regular short mindfulness sessions are most helpful in reducing our response to stress. The link to the Smiling Minds website (to your left) has a short video explaining this - just click on the photo. 

Next month we will be exploring how to recognise our emotions better in Mindfulness 102.

All family and friends are welcome to attend, please rsvp to barb@bpdcommunity.com.au.

March 19, 2019 - Hierarchy of needs

It was a small but enthusiastic group of 8 who accepted the challenge of learning Boundaries 103. Our final session on Boundaries pulled together the previous earnings and allowed us to explore the implications of having strong values based boundaries. Using the handout attached we were able to questions our needs, especially our emotional needs and what that meant in relation to our boundaries. Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs allowed us to recognise the basis of much of our fears and therefore how to address them. We had an excellent discussion.  Click on the image to see the activity handout.

Feb 19, 2019 - The 10 Laws of Boundaries

We met as usual at Sth Melbourne. There were a few apologies, but we made a comfortable number at 14 people. This was the second of three sessions on Boundaries. The work was dense and challenging but rewarding. The US Boundaries experts are McLoud and Townsend and they are nothing if not direct. They break down Boundaries into these 10 Laws, just like 10 Commandments which is no surprise as they are immersed in the Christian Religion. The work for our group however was revised so that there were no references to religion or the bible. It is less distracting that way. Click on the image to access an abbreviation of these 10 Laws of Boundaries.

Family & friend's group model

Over time, BPD Community has developed a model of working as a peer led group to support families of friends of someone with BPD and to help them improve their relationships with their loved ones.